The Pizza Man
by seven days later
Summary: It was like telling a kid that Santa wasn't real and half of the men out there in red and white outfits were sexual predators. This just had to be written, because no way Dean or Castiel are just going to let 6.10 go.


_In loving memory of the Cas that was... to all those who have seen 'Meet the New Boss'... there's no need to explain what I mean. _

The Pizza Man

Thankfully, no one had mentioned the altercation with the demon Meg since the altercation itself. Sam – as usual – didn't really care that much, and Dean merely kept his silence in the typical, tight-lipped disapproval which he usually reserved for Sam's more special fuck-ups. Castiel found the terseness between them uncomfortable, but vastly preferred it to the inevitable moment when Dean would undoubtedly explode and attempt to shoot him. Of course, Castiel would be able to heal, but it would be rather unpleasant all the same.

"Dean." Jumping halfway across the room towards his shotgun on reflex, Dean swore colourfully, shouting loudly and obscenely, his words half incomprehensible, but alluding to his preference for Castiel to stay out of his personal space.

"Jesus, Cas!" the human hissed, his green eyes narrowed venomously. "Must you constantly aim to make me crap myself?" Frowning, the angel did not reply, hoping desperately that Dean would choose to ignore the inevitable that he was dreading. "Anyway, what are you even doing here?"

"I do not understand nor appreciate your sudden hostility towards me," Castiel said, the deep serious rumble of his voice grating dangerously on Dean's nerves. If an outsider had been looking in, it would have been funny to hear such a serious guy say something like that, but Dean was so used to Cas' behaviour that it wasn't even weird anymore. Well it was still weird, but it was under the category of 'Cas' weird instead of 'walk away quickly' weird.

"You know why I'm so pissed off with you," the older Winchester brother muttered, darkly.

"Because of my display with the demon Meg?" Castiel hung his head slightly, his voice ashamed. "I can only apologise." Dean sighed, then chuckled as an afterthought.

"You know, I'm pretty sure that you made history back there," the human whistled. "I mean hey, an angel and a demon practically going at it. It's not exactly something you see every day, even for us hunters." Dean rather forcefully dropped a dirty, rumpled shirt into his open duffel bag, before leaning down with his arms extended to rest on the mattress. Shoulder and back muscles moved beneath his skin as he tensely rolls his shoulder, and they attracted bright blue, curious eyes. Dean would have made a powerful vessel for Michael.

"Yet you are displeased?"

"Don't worry about me, man, I'm just peachy." Dean shook his head, turning his face back to Castiel so he could glare at him accusingly. "What were you thinking?" The anger in his soul was loud to the point of deafening, and Castiel looked away first. "Meg? Seriously? _Why_?"

"Dean, I was merely responding to her advances," Castiel attempted to excuse his actions, awkwardly protesting in his typical quiet calm. "I was imitating the pizza man," he said, as though it was obvious, and Dean actually had to ask the angel to repeat himself, certain that his ears had deceived him. But, they hadn't and upon repetition of Castiel's sentence, he snorted and brought a hand up to cradle his forehead in disbelief. He had a headache.

"Dude, you know that's just porn, right?"

"I was imitating the pizza man in an attempt to learn your custom. I feel that I have become out of touch with humanity, now that I have returned to Heaven. I do not want to forget what you and your brother have taught me," Castiel blinked innocently, and Dean was reminded now more than ever not only that Castiel was still a virgin, but also _why_. Apart from the fact that he was an angel, that is. "I feel that it would be ungrateful."

"Do I really have to explain to you the difference between reality and porn?" A faint blush rolled across his cheeks and Dean sighed, his anger vaporising and weariness approaching. Sam was the one who usually did the touchy-feely stuff. Back when he _could_ feel, that was.

"Porn is a representation of sexual relations between humans shown for other humans' entertainment," Castiel stated, as though it was normal to speak like that. "It is real."

"No, it's like," Dean fought for words, almost unwilling to believe that he was actually discussing porn with an angel of the Lord. He was so going to Hell, again. "It's like a TV show."

"Like Dr. Sexy MD?" The angel piped up, recognising the vague reference to the show that he had seen Dean watching often when Sam wasn't there.

"Yeah!" Waving his hand slightly, he nodded eagerly, latching onto what little grasp Castiel had on the current media industry. "Like Dr. Sexy MD. The porn is acted out, like it's a movie." To his disappointment, it wasn't understanding which fanned across Castiel's face, but rather it was dismay. "What?"

"You mean to say that those people did not love one another?" The lost puppy tone wore down Dean's confidence.

"No more than you love Meg," he confirmed, feeling like he had just told a kid that Santa wasn't real and half the men who dressed up as him were sexual predators.

Castiel suddenly looked horrified, touching two fingers to his lips as he gazed blankly into the distance. Dean rubbed his forehead. "Cas? You okay?" When Castiel did not reply, he found himself sighing again. "Man, I know that all this 'human custom' or whatever seems weird to you, but humans have urges, and sometimes they had empty spaces in their lives which porn just happened to fill quite nicely. It's not meant to replace love." And now he's officially grown ovaries – it's the only way anyone could get him talking about love. He made a quick mental to get a pregnancy test next time he's in a pharmacy.

"I... I think I understand that," the angel said, slowly and carefully, as though he was thinking of it like nuclear physics. Relieved that the explaining was over, Dean reached out and gave him a hearty slap on the back which would have wounded his light vessel had he not been occupying it. "Porn is just a means to an end of sexual release." Dean winced. He had thought that the most of the awkward was over but apparently Castiel had reserves.

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation...yes it is," he added, after his dark mutter, for Castiel's benefit. "There are ground rules when it comes to porn, too." Castiel's frown went unheeded. "No leaving it lying around; keep it where we can't see it if you really want to 'explore your human urges' or 'discovering your inner man' or whatever you guys like to call it. Don't watch it while we, or anyone else, is in the room. Don't talk about it... ever." Dean raised his eyebrows. "Comprendé?"

"I comprehend," Castiel said, calm and stoic as he was before.

"Good." Dean retuned his attention to his messy, half packed duffel bag and continued to pack. There was almost a full moment of silence, before:

"Dean?" Sighing, he turned around, knowing that the blissful quiet wasn't going to last.

"What?"

"Why was the pizza man smacking the babysitter's rear?" He stared for a moment, hoping that the world would just implode at that very second, or that Sam would interrupt them or something, but Castiel just stared back, expectantly. Dean considered crossing himself, but thought that maybe it would be too much with an angel in the room and everything.

"Ask again later, when I've had something to drink," he said, lamely, and returned to his packing.


End file.
